you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Randomize
