i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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