I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Randomize
