T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
