My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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