So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
His hands were made for my vagina.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
