He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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