I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
