I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Oh god it's open bar.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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