I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
