Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
