Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
