the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
