Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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