he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
