your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
