I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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