States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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