How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Sober January is a disaster.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize