Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
where are you?
Hypothermia
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize