so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
