Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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