sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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