when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
