my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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