we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
