some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
