While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
