Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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