She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
