I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
