mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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