I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
