Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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