my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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