The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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