it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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