How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
