i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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