Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
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