Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Two words: nipple clamps
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