Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
