We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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