quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
