strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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