peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
