Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
