i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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