my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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