Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
