is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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