I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
