i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
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